Seven Minutes
by PteraWaters
Summary: Missing scenes from 209 "Special Education" and continues from there. Lauren Zizes rocked his world, so chicks like Santana and Rachel just won't cut it for the Puckster anymore. But who could take her place? Pizes and Puckurt. Three shot.
1. Seven Minutes in Pizes Heaven

_A/N: Okay, so I swear I'm working on my other two Puckurt stories that are open right now, but this one came up and bit me on the ass, so it's going to happen. Damn you, fickle muse!_

_This started out as a one-shot, but I'm guessing it's morphed into a two-or-three-shot at most. Starts out Pizes (Puck/Lauren Zizes), but soon morphs into Puckurt, because it's me._

_Posted 12/6/10_

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Chapter 1 – Seven Minutes in Pizes Heaven

Puck knew he shouldn't have stuck his neck out for glee club. It just pissed him off so bad that the one thing he loved about his life was about to crash and burn. Because of Karofsky. And what the hell was the hockey jock thinking trying out for and making the football team while Puck was in Juvie? That asshole should have stayed where he belonged and left Puck's boy Kurt alone.

Then none of this would have happened. Puck wouldn't have shit and blue water all over his shoes. He wouldn't be so infused with the overpowering chemical smell that he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to smell anything else. He wouldn't be here, voice hoarse after hours of yelling, praying to any god who might listen.

He started out with the big G-d. The Jewish one that his nana prayed to and his mom invoked on him whenever Puck was too lazy to clean his room, or got someone pregnant. "God," he said, clasping his hands together and looking up (because fuck, no was he looking _down_), "if you get me out of this, I promise I'll start being nice to people." He wanted to leave it at that, but if there was anything Puck knew, it was himself, so he changed it to, "_Jewish_ people. C'mon, dude. I've been trying really hard, getting better grades in Math, I haven't hit anyone since prison, and I swear, I've been trying to protect my glee teammates. I don't know why you took Kurt away from us, G-d. Was it because after everything he put up with from me and Karofsky and the other guys, he deserved to go to some sort of gay-heaven all boys' school?"

After waiting for and not getting an answer for a long, long time, Puck cried, "Fine! My promise still stands but I'm breaking that second commandment right now, you dick! Jesus, help me! Buddah! Allah! Satan!"

All of a sudden, like his prayers were being answered, the door above him rattled and then opened, letting in fresh autumn air and sunlight. Looking up, Puck saw a figure and while his eyes adjusted to the light, he almost thought it might be Kurt, coming back to forgive Puck for all the mean things he'd ever done. The glow behind the figure was intense, and maybe it wasn't Kurt, so he asked, "Are you an angel?"

But then, the figure leaned forward with a sneer on her face and Puck saw it was that fat chick, Lauren Zizes, saying, "Screw you."

What did Puck ever do to ... oh, yeah. Shit, she still remembered that? Despite how Puck figured she might just lock the door again, now that she knew who was in here, condemning him to more of this hellish torture, the girl stuck out a meaty hand as if to help him up. Yes!

"Thank you," he said sincerely as soon as he was back on solid ground. "You have no idea how awful that was!"

"Was it worse than getting a pee-balloon to the face?" she asked, lumbering away from him and back toward the school.

Puck didn't know what to do. This was the first person who had been halfway decent to him since he started hanging out with Artie and she hated him. She probably hated him almost as much as Kurt hated Karofsky. If Puck hadn't gotten Quinn pregnant and gotten his act together because of how he loved her, would he be the reason someone actually decent (if really damn gay or really damn fat) left the school? He couldn't have that on his conscience.

"Probably not," Puck admitted, hurrying to catch up with the girl. "And I'm really, really sorry about everything I've ever done to you." The girl didn't stop walking, but gave him a disbelieving look over her shoulder. "Seriously."

"Whatever."

They walked in silence for a few moments, until Puck realized why he'd gotten up in front of the football team in the first place. "Hey, Lauren, can I ask you about something?"

"What is it, Puckerman?" she sighed. "Make it quick. You smell like ass and window cleaner."

"Well, we need another member for glee club, so we can compete in Sectionals this weekend," Puck told her, trying not to sound like too much of a wuss. "You'd totally be saving my life again if you'd help us out."

Lauren turned to face him for a moment and Puck gave her his best puppy-dog-in-need look. It worked, too, because she sighed and said as she continued walking down the hallway, "Here are my conditions: number one, a carton of Cadbury eggs. Good luck finding them, because they're not in season. Second," she said with a smile, stopping and turning to face Puck, "I want seven minutes in heaven..." Lauren then reached out and touched the exposed part of his chest, just under his throat, trailing her finger down an inch or two, "...with you."

Wait! The fat chick wanted to make out with him? Well, that was a given. But she seriously thought he would agree? They really _were_ up a creek without a twelfth member for Sectionals. And no one else would join. Puck's ill-fated speech in the locker room had made that clear. He supposed he could think of this as community service for all the shit he'd done in the past. Yeah, that's it. Make it up to everyone, including Kurt, by doing this one slightly unpleasant thing for seven minutes.

Best community servicer _ever_, right?

Plus, he had the perfect idea for killing two birds with one stone. "Okay," he agreed, putting a hand on her giant elbow. "I know just the place."

"Ew, no!" Lauren cried, pulling her arm away. "Third condition - you go take a shower before we do this. You still smell like port-a-potty."

"Fine," Puck agreed, pissed because she wasn't the one who was supposed to be grossed out by him, but he guessed he could see her point. Or _smell_ it. Hopefully he still had a change of clothes in his football locker. "Meet me outside the copy room during lunch."

Smiling so her pudgy cheeks squished up under her eyes, Lauren nodded, "It's a date."

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So, it turned out Puck had clean everything, except for his sweatshirt and even after taking a hot shower, he was still shivering, so he _had _to put it back on. He was kind of surprised he didn't freeze to death, having to spend the whole night practically unprotected in November. Thank god for freak warm spells and his awesome constitution. Damn. What if he'd left Wheels in that toilet overnight last year? That dude would have kicked the bucket for sure. And then Puck would definitely still be in jail. And still be failing geometry.

As cleaned up as he was going to get and trying not to think too hard about what he was going to have to do to keep glee club going, Puck waited for Lauren Zizes outside the copier room. How sucky was it that the New Directions were going to have to compete with a sub in Kurt's place? Even if he was a girly dude, Kurt was still a dude and he made the whole team even boy/girl wise. Now there were too many girls for the whole thing to look right and Zizes probably couldn't even dance as well as _Finn _and everyone else would have to take up the slack to make sure they won and moved on to Regionals.

And if they couldn't, then Puck would have nothing left.

Well, maybe if he made this whole "seven minutes in heaven" ordeal extra awesome for the whale, she'd do anything he asked, including making a hard effort to help them win the competition.

Best am-badass-ador ever!

Eventually, Lauren showed up, a smile on her thick face, purple lipstick bright against her doughy skin. "Ready for this, Puckerman?"

Sighing, Puck replied, "As ready as I'm gonna get," and jiggled the handle to the locked copy room, popping it open and leading the way in. Nobody really noticed, but there was a locked supply closet on the far side of the room, and hardly anyone ever went in there. Puck used the same trick (which he'd picked up freshman year after Figgins confiscated his paintball gun) to open the closet door and gestured Lauren in first.

"Okay," he said, taking a deep breath and letting it out as he followed her and locked the door behind him, "seven minu-"

Puck's words were cut off when Lauren pushed him back against the closet door with so much force Puck thought he might have cracked a rib and holy crap she was going to kill him for realz! Except, those were lips against his, hard and demanding. Okay, so he wasn't going to die, yet. Puck was glad the light was off, because he didn't have to see the giant girl's hands all over him, or see that it was her he tentatively kissed back.

Hell, with it pitch black in here he could totally imagine she was someone else. Santana? No, Santana was too short. Brittany was almost as tall as this girl, except she was never this aggressive. Shit, where did this chick learn to kiss like this? It stole Puck's breath away and had him clutching at her head, not quite sure if he wanted Lauren to stop or to keep going. He felt like the girl in this little arrangement, pressed up against the door by someone not quite twice his weight. But that made Lauren the dude, didn't it? And with her long, soft hair (and wasn't she just wearing glasses?) and squishy chest which was pressed against his, she was pretty girly. Like a really girly dude. That thought made Puck picture the only girly dude he could think of – Kurt.

Suddenly, it was like Kurt was kissing him and Puck couldn't get the image out of his head, even when he opened his eyes, because there wasn't enough light to be sure that it was still Zizes. "Agh!" Puck cried when Kurt's hands found their way to his ass and squeezed. Shit, that was good. How come Puck had never made out with the girly dude while he was still here at McKinley?

Then, Puck was practically thrown across the room and he slammed into the wall on the far end. He only had enough time to draw half a heavy breath before that solid strength slammed into him again, all sweet-tasting lips and grabby hands. Puck tried to return the favor, but both his wrists were caught in one big hand and forced over his head. He could have fought back and pushed Kurt away, but Puck was so turned on that there was no way in hell he was going to do anything other than exactly what the dude wanted.

Suddenly, there was a hand down his pants, grabbing around and finding his dick, even as the other hand kept him pinned to the wall and those lips gnawed on his, tongue massaging just the right places. Puck's knees went a little weak and he struggled to keep himself upright when Kurt's hand tugged and tugged on Puck's junk, almost making the taller boy cry out.

No, this was _Lauren _he was making out with. Puck had to remember that. Even if she didn't feel much like a girl and she hadn't said anything since he'd closed the door. Even if the idea of Kurt doing these things to him was way hotter. Because there were lots of types that Puck liked, but he'd never really dug on fat chicks. No, it was way hotter to go back to picturing Kurt, who was just as tall as Lauren, but way skinnier. And he might not be quite as strong as this chick, but he'd certainly be strong enough to hold Puck up like this, kissing him and tugging on his cock and, "Holy shit!" Puck groaned against Lauren's lips as he blew his load, trying to curl in on himself but failing because of how she was pressed against him.

A few more hard kisses later, a beeping noise broke through the sounds of smacking lips and Puck valiantly trying to keep enough oxygen in his brain so he wouldn't pass out. Lauren wiped her hand on his abs and then pulled away, saying, "Seven minutes. Thanks, Puck."

When she let his wrists go after a final peck, Puck felt his legs turn to jelly and he slid down the wall until his ass hit the ground. "You're thanking _me_?" he asked in disbelief. "I should be the one thanking _you_!"

"I know," she said simply, finding the light switch next to the door and turning it on. "You gonna be alright there, tiger? 'Cause I gots me some lunch to catch up on."

"I'm good," he insisted, struggling back to his feet and trying to ignore the slimy-wet feeling in his pants and on his abs. Then, he remembered Lauren's other request and pointed to the shelves beside them. "There's your Eggs, Zizes."

The fat chick's eyes lit upon the box that had to have been sitting there since Easter, because Puck saw it every time he was in here, and her hand reached up to grab them, but then she seemed to think better of it and snatched her hand away again. "You gotta be the one to steal them, Puckerman," she said, nodding to the Cadbury Eggs with her chin. "That's the deal."

"Fine," he replied, wiggling a little and glad he'd actually worn underwear that day. Puck reached over and lifted the box off the shelf before handing it to the girl. She took them with a smirk and then left Puck alone.

God, she was such a badass.

It's too bad she was so … _fat_. Like if she was more Mercedes' size, even, he'd be all over that. It'd be even better if she were Tina-sized or Quinn-sized or … Kurt-sized. And Kurt-shaped.

But Kurt was gone and Schue said he wasn't coming back. Lauren wasn't going to stick around long enough for the club to win Regionals, Puck could tell that already. The New Directions _needed_ that girly-dude back, but as long as Karofsky was around, Kurt wasn't. And after making out with a manly-girl, Puck really wanted to know how it would be making out with a girly-guy. Not that he was gay or anything. Not really.

Maybe Puck could arrange something. Like slipping laxatives into Karofsky's food every day or putting itching powder in his jock strap or getting the other guys from glee to help him put Karofsky in something way worse than a port-o-potty all night. Like Coach Sylvester's secret sex room or something. Yeah, no one who went in came out of there intact. Especially if the Coach _found _Karofsky up there. She'd be likely either to expel him or traumatize him and either would fit Puck's plans perfectly.

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_Yeah, so more to come soon. I think my favorite part of this chapter was Puck calling God a dick. It just seemed so horribly in character! I have the most fun writing his POV, I really do._

_Anyways, tell me what you thought in review form, please!_


	2. Seven Minutes in Puckleberry Hell

_I couldn't sleep, so I'm uploading quite a few hours earlier than I expected. Thanks so much for all the reviews and favorites so far!_

_Posted: 12/7/10  
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Chapter 2 – Seven Minutes in Puckleberry Hell

At glee club, Puck introduced Lauren to the room and he really hadn't meant to say anything about it but, "She kind of rocked my world," just slipped out there and he couldn't take it back, no matter how disgusted Santana looked.

Mr. Schue just had to say, "I'm proud of you, Puck. Good work," didn't he? No one was ever proud of Puck. Not proud enough to full-on shake his hand like Mr. Schue was right now. Briefly, Puck wondered how proud of him the teacher would be for getting Kurt back. A lot, right?

Karofsky had to go. It was too bad Puck wasn't smart enough to hide a body and get away with it. At least he was smart enough to know he shouldn't try. Besides, murder was like, _way_ hardcore, and his time in the big house had shown Puck that while he was a badass by Lima standards, he wasn't a hardcore criminal and he really didn't want to end up that way, either.

After glee club, Puck meant to round up the guys and get their help with the Karofsky plan, but he ran into Rachel on the way. She seemed so sad, and Puck _had _promised to be nicer to Jews, so he stopped and talked to her. Once he cleared up the whole motive issue, she smiled at him and took his arm and complimented his guns. If there was one way into Puck's pants (and let's be honest, there were about a million ways) it was complimenting his guns.

But, that's where Puck got confused. After making out with Zizes, Puck didn't know if a tiny girl like Rachel was going to cut it anymore. No way would she be able to throw him around and hold him down. But she was soft and pretty and vulnerable. Three things Puck really loved.

He almost went through with it, too. The way Rachel kept biting his lip was like, _whoa_, and he had to tell her to stop so he'd have just a little self control – to make it good for her. The problem, though, with having made out with and slept with so many different people was that sometimes he'd forget who he was with. That one time he whispered Quinn's name while he was making out with Mrs. O'Riley had lost him his favorite pair of jeans and more than a little dignity. But Puck had always thought dignity was overrated. This time, while he was making out with Rachel, Puck flashed back to the closet and how he'd imagined it was Kurt making out with him and the whole thing just sent him for a mind trip.

Kurt was Finn's brother, Finn used to date Quinn until Puck insperminated her, and now he was dating Rachel, who Puck realized _had _to be using him for something. Lately Rachel and Finn had been bitching at each other a lot (who knows why). Plus, sleeping with Finn's girlfriends twice in a row was like, really rude. Like a Karofsky-sized dick move. "I'm sorry. I can't do this," he told Rachel, leaving her and kicking himself for letting it get that far in the first place.

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At the competition, when Kurt was up onstage, the dude didn't even get one solo. How weak was that? Those ass clowns at Dalton had no idea what they were doing, did they? And, please? Train? And why was that lead dude looking at Kurt like he was God's gift? Didn't he realize Kurt wouldn't be staying for long, despite what Mr. Schue said? And how dare they box Kurt in like that? That kid needed to _move_, not do lame-ass side steps and finger snaps.

The Karofsky elimination plan was _going_ to happen.

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Puck showed up at Finn's old house the week after Sectionals, while he and a few hired movers were loading boxes into a truck while Mr. and Mrs. Hummel watched. "Hey, dude," Puck said to Finn, picking up a box and following Finn out to the truck. "I'm really sorry about Rachel."

"Whatever," Finn replied angrily, practically throwing the box into the truck. Puck set his box down too and hurried to catch up with Finn on his way back into the house, setting a hand on the taller guy's shoulder.

"Seriously, bro. I'm sorry."

Finn looked into his eyes for a long moment before nodding. "Yeah," he sort of half-smiled. "Yeah, she told me what you did, how you stopped. I know that must not have been easy."

"You have no freaking idea," Puck agreed, silently helping haul a few more boxes. Eventually, when Mrs. Hummel made Finn bring Puck to the kitchen for some lemonade, even though the light layer of snow on the ground said it was clearly not lemonade weather, he brought up the main topic he'd come here to discuss. "You know who put me in that port-o-potty, right dude?"

"The football team," Finn nodded, "yeah. I already yelled at them about it. And seriously, Puck, why would you go talk to them about it when the rest of us glee guys were at rehearsal and couldn't back you up?"

"Dunno," Puck shrugged. "I guess because Mr. Schue said he wanted _me_ to recruit someone, not you and Rachel like he would normally go to."

"Oh," Finn grunted, hanging his head with a confused look on his face. "He _was_ all about mixing it up last week. I guess we all learned something."

"Including the fact that since Karofsky drove Kurt away and then led the charge to stuff me in that outhouse, he's got to go."

"Yeah," Finn nodded. "Especially since without Kurt to pick on, he's gotten really mean. I swear I saw him trip Becky while she was carrying Coach Sylvester's coffee. I wasn't sure it _was_ him, though, so all I could do was help Becky up and get the girls to help her change."

"Dude, that was low of Karofsky!" Puck cried, hopping up onto the kitchen counter so he didn't feel quite so short next to Finn. "As much of an ass as I've been, I never picked on a kid who couldn't fight back, at least mentally if not physically. Like Artie."

"Artie fought back after you pushed him down the stairs and stuff?"

Ashamed at being reminded of that, Puck hanged his head and admitted, "No. But he totally could have. He could have given me the wrong assignment and made me fail a bunch of times, or told on me for smoking behind the school or spread a nasty rumor about me, but he didn't. Because he's a nice dude."

Finn nodded with a concerned look and opened his mouth, but was cut off by a high voice calling, "Finn! Your mom wants to ask you something about your room," and Kurt appeared in the doorway. At first glance of the dude, Puck's supply closet fantasy came rushing back all of a sudden and he had to look away so he wouldn't embarrass himself by staring at Kurt while Finn was still in the room.

"Okay," Finn agreed, looking back and forth between his step-brother and his friend as if to make sure they'd be okay if he left. He must have decided it wasn't feeling too lethal in there, because he exited the room with a shrug.

Rounding on Puck, Kurt said, "I didn't expect to see you here, Puckerman."

"Had some apologizing to do," Puck shrugged, nodding after where Finn had left the room. "I didn't expect to see you here either." With that admission, Puck let himself actually look at Kurt, finding him dressed in a pair of greasy coveralls, his hair hidden under a bandana. It was such an unusual look for the guy that Puck couldn't help but stare a little. The last time he'd seen Kurt was in a stuffy prep-school uniform at the competition. This was way better.

"Well, I-"

Puck cut Kurt off from making his excuses and leaving by blurting out, "Congratulations, Hummel. Despite being in the lame-ass Warblers, you did good."

"Then why did you look so angry with me?" Kurt asked, and damn if that question didn't surprise the hell out of Puck. "Was it because I defected over to the competition and left you a man short? I didn't know what else to _do_."

"Yeah," Puck lied. "That was it." It had nothing to do with the flirty looks that short guy was giving Kurt as they sang that barf-tacular song together. Then, as Kurt was turning to leave again, a big question popped into Puck's brain, so he asked it. "If Karofsky was gone, would you, like, defunct back over to our side?"

"It's _defect_," Kurt corrected him with a ghost of a smile, "and why? What are you planning on doing?"

Puck smiled, but kept his mouth shut, staring at Kurt expectantly. The dude actually blushed before stammering, "Y-yes. I'd expect a full team to be there when I got back, though, not to have one of our members expelled or in jail again."

"Jeez," Puck complained with a smile, hopping down from the counter and stepping closer to the girly-dude, wondering how solid his arms would be if Puck tested them with a squeeze. It would definitely take some muscle to throw a big guy like Puck around, but Kurt looked more than capable, especially with that hard, bitchy look on his face. Shrugging, Puck continued. "You get in one little bit of trouble and that's all anyone can remember."

"Why would you go after Karofsky?" Kurt asked, backing up half a step in a way that really made Puck want to follow. "You should just let it go..."

"Number one," Puck explained, "nobody pushes my boys around." Taking another step forward to Kurt's step back as the shorter boy knocked into the refrigerator, Puck held up two fingers, "Number two, nobody locks the Puckasaurus in a port-o-potty overnight and gets away with it." By the way Kurt's eyes went wide and the edge of his lips twitched upward, Puck guessed this was the first he was hearing of it. Didn't the dude talk to Finn and the girls all the time, or had so much changed in the week and a half since Kurt left for Dalton? Well, Puck had gone through a few changes in the last week, too, hadn't he? Leaning even closer, Puck whispered, "And number three: you're easier to make out with when you're in town."

Kurt gasped sharply and Puck wanted to kiss the guy, just to see what it would be like, but he heard footsteps approaching, so Puck backed off, putting on a pleasant, innocent expression and saying, "...so that's why Super Mario Three was so revolutionary. The star worlds!"

When Finn got to the room, Kurt just shook his head and gave Puck a solid glare before walking away. "What did you do to Kurt, dude? You know he's had it rough lately!"

"Finn, chill. Guy just didn't appreciate my brilliant insights into video game history."

"Oh."

Figuring he still had a bunch to make up for, Puck offered, "Need some more help moving, bro?"

"Sure," Finn nodded, leading the way down into the unfinished basement and the stacks and stacks of boxes and things down there. For the love of...! Why the hell was Puck following through with his promise to be nicer to _everyone_? Well, at least he could skip the gym that day.

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"Hey, Santana?" Puck asked as she was getting dressed.

"What, Puckerman?" Santana frowned, pulling up her hair into a tight ponytail. "I gotta get home, or my dad's gonna take my phone away again."

"When you and Brittany hook up? It's awesome, right?"

"Why?" she asked, pulling on her shoes. "Are you looking for a show? 'Cause now that Britt's dating Artie, they're all 'exclusive'," she sneered, using her fingers to put up air quotes.

"But when you do get together, it's good, right? Even though you've both got the same ... equipment?" Puck felt stupid asking this, but he didn't want to have high expectations for something good with Kurt and then find himself disappointed when it didn't happen.

Giving Puck a disdainful look, Santana said, "Yeah, it's great. What's going on, Puck? Does this have something to do with how you made me tie you up and bite you? Not that I'm complaining, but..."

Rubbing his sore wrists, Puck scoffed, "No. Just forget it, babe."

"I told you not to call me that."

"Why?" Puck asked, finding his jeans and slipping into them. "Because suddenly you want to have Hudson's babies, like everyone else at school?"

"Screw you," she replied, grabbing her things and leaving in a huff. Maybe Puck should tell Finn that even if he did date Santana, there was no way she'd keep from cheating on him. Of course, if Puck got his way and Kurt came back to school, Santana could fucking kiss the ground Finn walked on for all he cared. She was just a 'friend' with benefits. If Puck could score another one of those, he wouldn't need her at all.

* * *

Finally, after a week of planning and waiting and watching, Puck and the other glee guys found Karofsky alone in the locker room. As per the plan, Artie acted as the lookout, Finn and Sam as the distraction, and Puck as the bagman. Or, he was the guy who snuck up behind Karofsky when Finn and Sam stormed out of the room, yelling at each other about Quinn, and threw a heavy towel over the guy's face, pulling it tight while Mike helped him keep Karofsky contained. The idea was to make sure the jock had no clue who had taken him or why.

Hence why they could only communicate with hand signals until they got Karofsky where he was supposed to go. If the damn bastard would stop fighting! After almost getting kicked in the junk, Puck decided that was enough and put Karofsky in a choke hold just until his knees started to go weak. There. Now he was all confused and compliant from the lack of oxygen. Puck and the other guys got Karofsky out of the locker room, down the hallway, up the stairs and into Coach Sylvester's "private room" without anyone seeing them.

Despite Puck's better judgment, he'd agreed that they shouldn't tie Karofsky up or anything, just lock him in the room. Mike insisted it was safer that way, since they didn't want to _kill _Karofsky or anything, just humiliate him and get him expelled. Puck almost gagged when he noticed the swing in the corner of the room, but the rest of the guys didn't seem to notice what it was for, and he wasn't about to let any of them in on it. Especially not Finn. That dude's brain would _melt_.

"Let me out of here, you losers!" Karofsky cried after a minute, when he got his bearing back and started pounding on the door. "It smells weird in here!"

Puck wanted to tell him it was all the estrogen cream, but he didn't want Karofsky recognizing his voice, so he waved the others ahead of him and followed them back downstairs. Then, Puck stayed after everyone left, so they wouldn't know about this next part. Carefully, so he wouldn't get his finger-prints on anything, Puck used this one page he found on the internet to figure out the combination to Karofsky's locker. Then, he took a hunting knife he'd swiped from Coach Beiste's tool box in the equipment shed and put it in there, right at eye level. He'd even gone so far as to smear a little squirrel's blood on there, just for good measure.

Don't look at him like that! The squirrel was already dead. Honest!

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_Please review! More to come tomorrow._


	3. Seven Minutes in Pummel Heaven

Chapter 3 – Seven Minutes in Pummel Heaven

Word spread around school pretty quickly the next day. Karofsky had been caught trespassing in a restricted room of the school. "He tried to say he'd been kidnapped and locked in there," Santana told Puck during lunch, "but Coach Sue insists that her room was locked from the inside and she had to kick the door down to get in there."

"Wow," Puck nodded, watching how Santana's eyes followed Finn across the cafeteria. "So, does he get expelled now, or what?"

"Well," Santana replied, taking a bite of her salad as she tore her eyes away from Finn, who sat down by Sam and Artie at few tables away, "breaking into Coach's 'second office' would just have gotten the creep a warning, but then Figgins found this knife with blood all over it in Karofsky's locker. It looks like he was gearing up to be a serial killer or something. He's definitely expelled and Becky told me that Mr. Karofsky is checking Dave into the psych ward at Dayton General."

"Sweet!" Puck cried, taking a big bite of his cheeseburger so he wouldn't give away how unsurprised he was. "And once it's all official and Karofsky's gone for good, someone's gonna tell Hummel, right?"

"I'll make sure Finn does it," the girl purred, getting up from beside Puck and leaning in toward the giant so she could whisper in his ear. Sitting at the table between Puck's and Finn's, Rachel looked like she was about to vomit and cry and break out into song all at once. Good thing she wasn't Puck's problem anymore. He had bigger fish to make out with ... or something like that.

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Kurt caught up to Puck just outside the Seven-Eleven after the final football practice before winter break. "I know you did it," the boy said, following Puck into the store and through the aisles. "I just don't know _why_."

"Can't a reformed convict do something morally questionable for a selfless reason?" Puck asked, picking out his favorite flavor of dip and heading toward the slushie station before realizing it was fucking freezing out and going for the coffee instead. "Not that I'm confirming or denying anything, dude."

"Was it just to get me back on the team?" Kurt asked, getting around Puck and blocking his way to the coffee. "Tell me, Puckerman!"

The force of Kurt's words sent a little shiver down Puck's spine and made him smirk. "Yeah, sure, man. I just want our team to win, because the Puckerone is not a loser. Whatever it takes, you know?"

Kurt nodded and stepped aside, letting Puck get his coffee and following him up to the register as he checked out. Then, when Kurt followed him to his car, Puck turned around and smiled, "I know you can't get enough of me, Hummel, but what are you doing?"

"Did you mean it?"

God, the dude was so effeminate he even sounded like a girl, with that inane, confusing question. "Did I mean _what_?" Puck asked as he got into the piece of crap car his mom was letting him drive after he wrecked her Volvo. According to her, he should be glad he wasn't, "walking to school in the snow, uphill, both ways, Noah!"

"Number three," Kurt said, holding the door so Puck couldn't close it. Well, he _could_, but someone's fingers would probably get crushed in the struggle. At Puck's confused look, Kurt rolled his eyes and said, "In the list of reasons to go 'Death Star' on Karofsky. Did you mean number three, or were you just teasing me?"

Shrugging, Puck replied, "A little bit of both," and pried on his door gently until Kurt let go. He smiled as he drove away, knowing the first rule of getting someone to fall for you was leaving them wanting more. Not that he wanted Kurt to _fall in love_ with him or anything. No, Kurt just had to like him enough to agree to make out with him. When Puck found out once and for all whether fooling around with a girly dude was better than fooling around with a dude-ly girl, he'd weigh his options from there.

* * *

"Why are you following me, Kurt?" Puck asked as the guy trailed behind him after glee club practice, already knowing the answer. It was a new year, Kurt was back at McKinley, and Rachel was starting to go psycho getting the New Directions ready for Regionals. Puck had seen Kurt a few times in passing when he visited Finn's house, but he deliberately avoided being alone with the shorter guy. Once again, there was a method to Puck's madness – making Kurt frustrated and mad with him before starting something. It was hotter that way. "Ready to ride the Puckerman Express?"

Kurt didn't say anything, but looked down past his tight-ass black skinny jeans to his shoes, leaning against the lockers as Puck opened his and grabbed his jacket and his numchucks. "C'mon, dude," Puck smirked as he slammed the locker shut and shrugged into his jacket, putting the weapon in his pocket for practice later, "you gotta be more badass than that!" Leaning in, Puck whispered in the boy's ear, "If I wanted a _chick_, I'd be with Santana right now. Man up, Kurt."

Kurt's eyes went comically wide and Puck snickered as he clapped Kurt on the shoulder, turned away from the guy, and headed down the hallway to go home. If Kurt wasn't willing to get a little pushy about what he wanted, Puck would have to look around for another girly dude. Sure, he could just go back to hooking up with Santana, but Puck was sort of fixated on this new need he had – to be thrown around and held down by someone with soft lips and a high voice, and Santana just wasn't cutting it so far.

Puck had thought about trying to convince Lauren Zizes to make out with him again, but having to go explain that he wanted to make out with her without _looking _at her was kind of humiliating and mean. Besides, she was always hanging out with that trout-mouth, Jacob, who would embarrass Puck even further by posting the conversation on his blog for the world to read. See, this was why as a general rule, Puck didn't pursue chicks. He laid out their options and waited for them to come to him. It had worked pretty well so far and it looked like it was starting to work on Kurt too, since the guy was following Puck out to his car.

Puck threw his shit on the floor of the backseat and closed the car door again, turning to face Kurt. He kept dithering, taking one step forward and one step back, which was _so not_ badass. Had that Dalton place taken all of Kurt's fire along with his dance moves and 'fabulous' clothes? Okay, something had to be done about this. Quickly, Puck shot out both hands and caught Kurt's wrists, pulling the boy closer so he could growl softly, "If you want something from me, lady, you gotta speak up."

Finally getting mad, Kurt twisted his arms out of Puck's grasp, saying, "Screw you, Puckerman! If you ever call me a girl again, I'll-" Kurt seemed to lose the specificity of his threat, so he settled on shoving Puck back against the car.

Smirking, Puck's breath came a little short as he groaned, "Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout, Kurt!"

To encourage the kid, Puck shoved Kurt lightly, which totally worked and got Puck shoved even harder for his efforts. "What are you doing?"

"Being what you need, baby," Puck grinned, only to get punched in the face.

"Don't call me 'baby', you jerk!"

"Fine," Puck breathed, totally _a lot _more turned on than he should have been. "Just lay off the face. It's my moneymaker." Slowly, Puck crossed his hands behind his head, showing off for the other boy, who had ended up a lot closer than Puck would have been comfortable with before he decided to make the girly-boy his.

"What the hell is going on with you, Puck?" Kurt asked and Puck didn't miss the way those blue eyes looked him up and down quickly, like he was still trying not to be caught at it. "I don't get you at all!"

Puck shrugged and stretched his arms further behind his head to make his t-shirt ride up so Kurt could see his killer abs. This was really fun, showing off for a dude. Girls (except Santana) would mostly focus on his face, but he always felt liked the rest of the Puckasaurus never really got the attention it deserved.

"Would you stop flexing and say something?" Kurt demanded, taking half a step closer and shoving Puck against the car again. For as much as he was complaining, Kurt had yet to turn tail and get out of there.

Groaning in satisfaction, Puck asked, "What do you want me to say?"

Grabbing Puck by the lapels of his letterman's jacket, Kurt demanded, his voice low and fast, "Tell me this isn't a prank. Tell me I left Dalton and Blaine behind for a good reason. Tell me you're not another Karofsky."

"I'm not," Puck smiled, leaning close, but not quite bridging the distance between them. Kurt was breathing a little heavy and Puck couldn't say that he was unaffected by the sound and feel of those short, shallow puffs of air against his chin and neck.

"Really?" Kurt asked in harsh disbelief, tilting his head a little like he was begging to be kissed. Virgins always did need a little coaching in the ways of love _a la_ Puckerman. Puck tilted his head the other way, trying to get Kurt to close that distance and kiss him. This had to be perfect right from the start, so if Puck wanted Kurt to be less girly and take the lead, he had to let it happen that way this first time.

That didn't mean he couldn't nudge things along a little, did it? "You what I been lookin' for, pretty boy?" he asked, gently knocking one knee into Kurt's leg, but still not closing the infinitesimal gap between their lips. "You what I been missin' this whole time?"

"Your grammar is atrocious," Kurt replied, right before finally kissing Puck, hard. Rumbling at the sweet, electric feel of lips on his, Puck kissed back, but kept his hands to himself. Right now, it was enough that Kurt was holding him close by a tight grip on his jacket and bending Puck backward a little with the force of his kiss. God, that press of lips on lips made Puck's heart race and went straight to his crotch. Guess kissing a girly dude did it for the Puckmiester just as well as making out with Zizes. Who would have thought? Then, Kurt stopped kissing him and fucking _squeaked_. Puck opened his eyes to see Kurt's eyes go wide again as he abruptly let Puck go and stepped back.

"What?" Puck asked softly, finally letting himself reach out for Kurt's arm, wanting to pull the boy back in, but needing to let him come back on his own.

Holding one hand up to his mouth, Kurt took another step away before closing his eyes and groaning, "What is it with me and dumb jocks?"

"Everybody's got a type," Puck shrugged, hooking his thumbs in his belt loops so he wouldn't do something counterproductive, like grab Kurt and totally try to get with him in the middle of the parking lot.

Kurt opened his eyes halfway and dropped his hand, scoffing, "Is that so? What's your type, Puckerman? 'Cause I could have sworn it was loose women, young or old. Preferably cheerleaders."

"You wanna know my type?" Puck asked, grabbing the door handle behind his legs and opening it with a clunk. "Hot people like you," he said, smiling when Kurt blushed fiercely.

While the kid was distracted, Puck got into his car and buckled his seat belt. Before he could get any further though, Kurt rapped on his window. Starting up the ignition, Puck lowered the pane of glass between them and said, "Yeah?"

"I'm coming with you, Puck," Kurt ordered, circling the car quickly and getting into the passenger seat. He stowed that brown messenger bag of his at his feet and snapped his seatbelt home in one fluid moment. "And give me your phone."

Shivering at the way Kurt ordered him around, Puck handed the phone over and threw his car into reverse.

"Where're we going, pretty boy?"

"You'll see when we get there," Kurt promised.

* * *

Finn was a little surprised when he got a text asking, "Dude? Can I come over for dinner?" mostly because as far as Finn could tell, everything was spelled right. Maybe hanging out with Artie really was doing Puck some good.

"Sur man," he replied as he got into his car. "c u there n a min." Finn noticed out of the corner of his eye that Kurt's truck was still in the parking lot, but he'd probably just gone to take a leak and had to spend five minutes undoing and then redoing his designer clothes just to make it happen, so Finn wasnt gonna wait around for that.

Then, Finn got really confused when he got home and both Puck and Kurt were already there. Why would they ride together? Sure, Puck had been the driving force to get Karofsky out of McKinley (Finn didn't even want to know how Puck had arranged that knife thing), but it wasn't like those two were friends. Right?

Finn's mom set a few buckets of fried chicken and a lot of sides down on the table right after Finn got home, saying, "It's nice to see you, Noah!"

"Thanks, Mrs. H," Puck replied with that smirk he always gave moms. Finn was about to kick Puck under the table for giving that look to _his_ mother, but then the guy started and frowned over at Kurt sitting beside him. Oh! Okay. Kurt had kicked Puck for the both of them. Alright.

Finn's stepbrother subtly shook his head at Puck before getting distracted by Burt's hand reaching for the fried chicken. "No!" he cried, slapping the hand away and digging around in the plastic bags before finding one specific container and handing it to Burt. "You get the grilled chicken, dad. No, don't argue with me on this one," he tutted, wagging a finger. "Do you want to be well enough to go on that honeymoon next year or not?"

It was a pretty normal dinner-time exchange, but when Finn looked up from his mashed potatoes he saw Puck staring over at Kurt like he was a god or a rock star or something. Weird.

"So, Puckerman," Burt frowned, taking a bite of his grilled chicken and grimacing, "how was your first day back at school since Christmas?"

Finn cringed a little bit because although Puck loved Christmas, he also loved being a Jew, so he could get a little touchy about the subject. Instead of flipping out, though, Puck stared down at his plate and smiled, "Really awesome, Mr H. Thanks for asking."

"Really?" Finn asked in surprise. The last he'd seen, Puck was still damp from being slushied after lunch and Rachel was harassing him about bumping into Kurt during dance rehearsal. What could have changed since then?

And why the heck was Puck sitting next to Kurt instead of _him_?

* * *

"So, dad?" Kurt said when dinner ended and Puck had to try really hard not to look too interested in what the boy had to say. It was difficult enough not watching the boy eat with rapturous attention. When, exactly, had Kurt's lips gotten so freaking hot?

"What is it son?" Mr. Hummel asked, wiping his mouth with a paper napkin and pushing his plate away.

Kurt caught Puck's eye quickly before facing his dad and asking, "Is it okay if Puck and I go to my room? We're working on a project for French and we would appreciate not being disturbed."

Puck had no idea what the fuck the kid was talking about, but looked up at Mr. Hummel happily and nodded, anyway. Letting Kurt be in control was just so freaking hot and any time they could get alone together would be well worth the lie.

Of course Finn had to be a dumbass and almost ruin the whole thing by saying, "Dude! You're not in French. You take Spanish with me and Mike."

"Extra credit," Kurt said quickly, grabbing Puck's arm and hauling him until he was standing.

"Yeah," Puck added, letting Kurt push him towards the door and lying his ass off. "If I pass this test we're studying for, I'll have enough credits not to get held back, bro."

Rolling his eyes, Kurt supplied, "And no one wants that..."

"Alright, boys," Mr. Hummel called as Kurt manhandled him down the hallway. "Study hard!"

As soon as Kurt's door was closed, Puck started cracking up, "French, huh?"

"It was the best I could come up with," Kurt replied with a cute little shrug before pushing Puck toward the bed. But then, when Puck was there, lying back propped up on his elbows and waiting for Kurt to join him, the other boy just sort of froze, hand on his lips again. Shit! Things had been going so well.

"C'mon, pretty boy," Puck smirked. "You heard your dad. We're supposed to be studying _hard_." He thrust his hips upward to make his point.

"You're disgusting," Kurt spat back, lowering his hand.

Wriggling on the bedspread a little - which was a totally gay color, by the way - Puck replied, "You're hot."

Kurt moved a little closer, but sneered, "You're irritating and uncouth."

"So we _are_ studying French?" Puck asked, still smiling and watching as Kurt flushed with annoyance. "I thought we were _going_ to French."

"I-" Kurt stammered, with a confused look on his face. "I thought so, too."

"Then _what_ are you doing?" Puck asked with a little laugh. Could always count on a virgin to be this hesitant, damn it. And all Puck wanted was someone with a little _fire_. Was that too much to ask?

Furrowing his brow at Puck, Kurt asked, "What are _you _doing?"

Puck watched Kurt be confused for half a second more before deciding, "Alright. Well, you might actually be too girly for me, Kurt. Thanks for nothing and see ya around." Puck tried to push past Kurt, but the shorter boy caught his arm harshly and pulled him back.

"I knew it!" he cried. "This was all a prank! If it wouldn't mess up my nails and if your muscles weren't so, um," Kurt said, squeezing the hand that wrapped around Puck's bicep, "yeah… I'd _totally_ beat the crap out of you for this!" Then, as if realizing what he'd said, Kurt's eyes widened briefly before flinching tightly closed, his hand going up defensively.

"There he is," Puck murmured in satisfaction, putting his lips as close to Kurt's ear as he dared. "That's the guy I've been looking for."

"Huh?" Kurt replied, opening one eye.

"Not a prank, pretty boy," Puck whispered before using two hands to push Kurt against a dresser with just a little force. "Now, are we gonna do this, or what?"

Scowling, probably because he was still confused, the idiot, Kurt grabbed Puck by the back of the neck and pulled him into a short, rough kiss. There it was, that passion and strength Puck had been looking for. As Kurt pulled away, Puck murmured, "Hells, yes!"

When Puck opened his eyes, Kurt was staring at him; studying him or something, still having no clue what he wanted. See? Virgins!

With a sigh, Puck leaned in and whispered, "I want you to toss me around, pretty boy. Be your badass self for me, huh?"

Ah, there was the light bulb moment! Kurt met his eyes and studied them for far too long before pushing Puck back a few steps with a shove to his shoulder. "I hate what a bully you are," he said, his voice haughty and mean. "I hate that you think girls are just conquests. And I hate that freaking Mohawk!"

"Sorry, babe," Puck murmured, eyes still defiantly with Kurt's. "But I'm El Puckerone. You can't change this. And why would you _want _to in the first place?"

Kurt grabbed Puck's wrist painfully and sneered, "Why would you make my life a living hell for two years and then come ask me to, 'throw you around?' I hate your ego."

"I've grown to love yours, babe," Puck replied, tugging on the arm Kurt held and smirking when Kurt wouldn't let go. "And face it. You want me."

Kurt made this high pitched noise that seemed like a mixture of annoyance, frustration and rage before pushing Puck harshly so he ran into Kurt's desk and muttering, "I can't believe I'm doing this."

"Don't think so hard," Puck laughed, stoked that Kurt was finally getting with the program. The boy kissed him, not even needing to pull Puck downward like any girl but Zizes would, and Puck felt that thrill again. This definitely had to be seeing God, right?

Then, when Kurt grabbed Puck's shirt and pushed him over and down onto the bed roughly, like he was physically taking out anything Puck had ever done to him on the other boy and that simple action made Puck's blood boil like nothing else ever had, he realized that God really did work in mysterious ways.

* * *

_It's not perfect, but it felt like the ending to me. I hope you liked my story (please tell me in a review) and I shall now go off to work on all my other open projects. Thanks for reading!_


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